A few beans short of a burrito.....

I hate when people say dumb things to me.  It really strikes a nerve.  My lil mama does it and it bothers me but she’s only 10 so I try to ride with it.  When grown folks say stupid *ish it really gets under my skin. For example, my daughter walks into the kitchen, sees me peeling shrimp, washing shrimp, seasoning shrimp, putting shrimp into the skillet but asks, “Daddy, you cooking shrimp tonight?” No, baby, I’m making Kool-Aid.  What does it look like I’m doing?  But she’s 10 so I let it ride. Example 2: I’m sorting clothes, running the water, adding the detergent but she looks me in my face and says, “You about to wash clothes?” No ma’am, this is how we change the oil in the car in 2011!  WTH!  Really?  I hate dumb *ish but she’s only 10 so I let it ride.

I say all of that to say, it’s okay at 10 but it’s dumb as hell when you’re a grown a** woman.  I am no Einstein but my child’s mother is a few beans short of a burrito.  She says some of the dumbest things to me and it has gotten progressively worse over the years. Before she became an international woman of mystery she once told me that she wanted to go somewhere that she would need a passport to visit.  Of course I ask where and what does she say, Hawaii!  Hawaii, for real? I looked at her for about a whole minute in awe of the dumb *ish that just came out of her mouth.  FOOL, YOU DON’T NEED A PASSPORT TO GO TO HAWAII! I politely asked her to never say that to another human being and then proceeded to walk away.

I could go in on my baby mama for hours on end but I won’t.  I’m sure she has some pretty messed up things to say about me but she can never say that I’m a bad parent.  Woosah…..Okay, there is a reason why I’m writing this.  The International Lover called me the other day to see how her child was doing. ***insert joke*** Well I entertain it and then I proceeded to tell her that lil mama had to get glasses. What’s the first thing that comes out of her mouth you may ask, “Where did she get that from, I don’t wear glasses.” FOOL, JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T DOESN’T MEAN SHE WON’T.  So, at some point should I expect my lil mama’s nuts to drop and grow hair on her chest?  Hell, she’ll get it from me right? Maybe I should just expect her to be dumb as a damn rock and use a damn See-n-Say until she’s 27 because she gets it from you?  Man, I hate dumb *ish!

Don’t get me wrong, I do understand heredity but some things should just be left unsaid, damn….

Maybe I am blowing all of this out of proportion.  Maybe it’s not that big of a deal.  Maybe she’s not as dumb as I make her out to be.  I don’t know the answer to any of that but I do know, Cliff might agree with me on this one.   

Are they serving Filet Mignon at the school house?

Why do kids think they’re slicker than a can of oil?  Kids really try to pull the wool over our eyes like we don’t know what the hell is going on.  Don’t they realize that we were kids once upon a time? (some of us much longer than others but y’all get what I’m saying)

Doesn’t it just tickle you to death when your kids say “I was just about to” or “I didn’t know” or my favorite “I forgot”?  Fool, how in the hell did you forget and I just told you 27 seconds ago?!  How the hell were you about to when you’ve been laying the same spot for 2 hours?!  And, you didn’t know, how in the hell didn’t you know that it wasn’t alright to go over your friends house when I JUST TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULDN’T 10 MINUTES AGO AND I WALKED AROUND THE DAMN CORNER AND SAW YOU STANDING THERE!?

They get better as we all know.  I actually do love “I was right outside”.  Case in point, I said be in the house at 6:30 and you come in at 6:36 but because you were “right outside” it’s cool.  Hell naw!

I know I was a mess as a kid (still am if you ask certain folks) so I laugh at the majority of the stuff that goes on.  She’s only 10 so I need to embrace the small things because trouble is right on the horizon. TEENAGE YEARS!!!!!!

Part of the issue too is the fact that my lil mama is punking me and trying my patience.  She knows what she’s doing and she pushing the boundaries.  There’s an ongoing  issue with the cafeteria and the school calling me like a damn collection agency!

“This is the K**** ISD food service department and your child (insert name) has a negative balance of $2.95.  Please send payment with your child to school on the next school day.  Thank you” WTH!?

They call me like the damn IRS!  Anyway, lil mama eats a good breakfast every morning before school and packs a good lunch but lo and behold, she likes to eat the school lunch too. 

I have to drop her off at school early (around 7ish and school doesn’t officially begin until 8:30) and they don’t eat lunch until 12:55. Let me expand on that for a moment.  That is crazy as hell!  Why in the hell do those kids eat so late?  I’m a grown man and I can’t make it past 12 without starting to shake and need to nibble on a carrot or something.  That’s child abuse!  I digress……

So, she eats a nice breakfast before we leave, sometimes eats again at the cafeteria, eats lunch at 12:55 (ri-damn-diculous) and sometimes gets another lunch also.  That’s just being down right damn greedy!  It’s one or the other, not both!  I’ve sent her to school with an extra fruit or two or maybe a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for in the morning but she’s still trippin!  Being hungry is one thing but she’s being greedy and testing my nerves! 

It also strikes a nerve because my lil mama ain’t necessarily little.  We’re trying to watch what we eat and I guess when I’m not around to watch she’s going to eat.  Damn…..

What she doesn’t get and I keep telling her, “THERE AIN’T *ISH THAT YOU CAN DO AROUND HERE WITHOUT ME FINDING OUT”! Yeah, I can go online and see exactly what she bought and when.  The internet is a BEAST! So, lunch is $1.65 and breakfast is .95.  She’ll have 2 or 3 charges on there for $1.95 or .95 and told me “I bought a cookie.”  Fool, cookies are itemized too and they’re only .50.  After I almost bust her in her damn head down to meat under the white meat I had to laugh at that one.  But still….she’s trying to punk me.  So, what did I do you ask?  She has to eat nasty-a** school lunch until she decides that she wants to start bringing a health, balanced lunch again. Oh, and the catch, she has to use her OWN DAMN MONEY!  Hell, you got me spending money on groceries for lunch food and breakfast and then I have to turn around and replenish an account that I didn’t deplete.  HELL TO THE NAW!!!

She'll either get tired of eating soybean burgers and Salisbury steak pucks or run out of money trying!

Maybe if I were Cliff Huxtable I could send her to school with one of those big a** hoagies or a Bacon- Burger-Dog, but I’m not so I can’t.  But if I was…..