Ice Cream Bandit!

What’s going on Blog world?  I hope all is well.  We haven’t chatted in a while and I apologize.  However, I can’t keep you guys out of the loop too long, right?  Well, wanna hear it, here it go…….

Let me start this story off by letting you know that it ain’t about ice cream.  Ice cream plays a big role in the story but it ain’t about that.  The moral of this story is that my daughter is a cold-blooded liar.  I don’t mean a little white lie type of liar; she’s a Richard Nixon, Watergate liar!  She’s off the chain with it!  To make matters worse, she isn’t any damn good at it!

Monday night, GFS comes home with a couple ice cream sandwiches to share with the fam.  Notice, I said a couple.  Not a box of them, not 7 or 8, a couple, meaning 2!  She tells lil mama that one of them is for her and she would take the other. (Note: there are 3 people that live in the house but she only bought 2, I’m just sayin…….)  So after dinner, we go upstairs and do whatever it is we do and left lil mama downstairs to wash the dishes.  I’m pretty sure you know where this is going…..

GFS goes downstairs to get her ice cream sandwich and of course…..it’s gone.  Naturally, we consider all options.  Maybe she dropped it outside by mistake, maybe she paid for 2 and only got 1, maybe the ice cream goblin snuck in the house around 10 pm and ate it.  Well, what do we find, 2 ice cream wrappers in the garbage.  Hmmmmmmm…..maybe the goblin was polite and threw away his rubbish. (Picked that word up in the UK, I like it)  B-B-B wait it gets worse….one of the wrappers was on top of the trash while the other was at the bottom.  Dun, Dun, Dun……..it’s on!  No ice cream goblins I know would do a thing like that! 

Moving on….

Well, we wake lil mama up and ask “why did you eat both ice cream sandwiches”?  What does she say, “I didn’t, and I don’t know what y’all are talking about”.  Woooord? (In my Jill Scott voice) We present the forensic evidence, fingerprints, blood spatter, shell casings, and of course the wrappers and she still says, “I didn’t eat it”. I’m looking at her like “you can’t be serious right now” but she was looking at me with tears in her eyes denying it. 

Scene 2: we wake up the next day and I ask again, “you sure it wasn’t you that took the ice cream”?  It wasn’t me daddy…..Notice, we are in day 2 of this lie right now but I say “okay”. (I’m giving this fool a chance to confess, make it right…..nope)

Well, we’ll fast forward to that night and at this point GFS is fed up and she commences with operation “Whoop Ass”.  I hear all kinds of yelling and thumping but I don’t say a word. (I was having a Top Chef moment anyway and didn’t want to break away from my gorgeous meal) Twenty minutes later, lil mama comes down and FINALLY admits that she ate both sandwiches.  Now, it’s time for the good part….

So, I look at this fool and couldn’t help but laugh.  I had to tell her how dumb it was to do what she did.  Not dumb in the sense that it wasn’t honest but dumb in the sense that it was just some dumb ass *ish! How in the hell you gonna steal 2 items when there are ONLY 2 ITEMS?  What kind of dumb ass *ish is that!  If there were 7 or so, maybe you can explain away one being missing.  YOU TOOK ALL OF THEM GENIUS!  In addition, you have no alibi or anyone else to take the blame.  NO ONE ELSE could have done it!  I’m looking at this fool like, really?  So, you just gonna lie all the way to the electric chair and hope that if you admit what you did your life will be saved?  Man, get off my phone with that *ish!  Oh, forgot to mention that when I asked her why she did it she replied, “I didn’t think I was gonna get caught”.   Wooooord? (In my Jill Scott voice again) Fool, ain’t no one else to catch!  You’re the only suspect!  Damnit boy!

Please don’t read this and think it’s about some damn ice cream sandwiches.  Hell, I’m sure they were only 2 for $1. Had she just said that she ate both of them I would’ve probably talked some *ish about her being greedy and told her to get out of my damn face.  I’m pissed that she rode that lie like she believed it in her soul; damn near cried about it. That fool had me wondering whether or not I ate it and forgot.  Had me believing in ice cream goblins and *ish!  Damn…..this girl swore up and down it wasn’t her and was going to stick with it.  Let me say this again, there were NO OTHER suspects but her!  How in the hell you think you can get away with some dumb ass *ish like that?  Done…….

What in the hell would Cliff Huxtable do?

Trust me, it's evil.......

Well, I said that I was going to do better in the New Year and I’m going to try and stick to that. I’m going to do better with the posts.  People have been getting on me about going so hard on lil’ mama and I guess I should stop.  Plus, I just need to post more for y’all to read.  So, without further ado……

It’s a shame that I have to start the New Year off in such a bad way.  Not even 2 weeks into the 2012 I had to break lil’ mama off something proper.  Let me preface this post with this; I don’t know Mark Zuckerberg personally and I’m pretty sure that he is a nice guy. By all accounts he donates to charities, is a good citizen and is definitely smart as hell.  He created something that has taken the world by storm and life as we know it will never be the same again because of this creation.  However, Facebook is EVIL!  Don’t take this the wrong way because in no way am I trying to call Mr. Zuckerberg a Satanist or anything like that but Facebook is the work of the Devil!  Also, please keep in mind that I am no religious nut job that is trying to save you from damnation.  Nope, not at all.  I have a hard enough time trying to save my own ass.  I’m just a father who has been scorned by Satan’s tool.

Maybe I am a little overprotective or maybe a little old fashioned but I don’t think an 11 year old should have a Facebook account, that’s just me.  Too much happens on the internet these days and kids don’t realize it.  However, little did I know how I was being fooled.  Come to find out, lil’ mama had a Facebook account……under an alias!  WTH?  Really?  Not even trying to be funny, I didn’t even think my daughter was slick enough for that.  I was shocked to hell!  An alias!  Before I totally lost my sh*t I was actually amused by the fact that she though it out that much and made it happen.  Then I came to my senses and commenced to wielding my leather!

Without going into detail, she was older than she really is, living in another state, and …….talking to damn boys *****cut scene*****

Sorry, I blacked out for a second. 

Yeah, I had an Olympic style swing session that night and my arm is still sore!  Now, the conversations weren’t overly inappropriate but it was too much for my liking.  They were conversations that an 11 year old shouldn’t be having. Hell, I’ll just say it, we ain’t ready for boys yet. Period!  Well, me at least.  I know that she is going to like boys, I get it, but like them from a far.  Do you like me?  Check yes or no.  I’m cool with that.  That’s it!  She’s taking it too damn far!

I don’t think I’m unreasonable and I understand that she wants to be like the other kids.  She wants a cell phone, Facebook, watch whatever on TV, stay up all night, etc.  Hell, I’ve accommodated some of those requests in the past but what does she do…….take pictures that she doesn’t need to take on the phone, have a Facebook without asking and having inappropriate conversations, watch videos that she knows are too damn grown for her, etc.  She isn’t to be trusted and she kills her chances for normalcy.  I give her an inch and she ends up in Detroit!  

I know that some of you are going to say that it’s the parent’s job to monitor stuff and I agree.  However, lil’ mama knows that it don’t go down at home so what does she do…..act a damn fool at her mother’s and granny’s.  Man, she can’t even use the computer at home because she always wants to watch grown ass videos on YouTube.  I had to shut down computer use a long time ago. Oh, did I mention that she had the nerve to have pictures of me and Godsfavoriteshoes on her page.  Really?  Fool, I don’t even have a Facebook account so don’t have me on your damn page!  You thought you could just tag GFS and it was going to be all good?  Get off my phone with that *ish!  Man, I’m getting pissed all over again…..

I don’t even feel right not going in like I normally do so I am going to cut this post short.  I got some complaints last year about going to hard but I don’t know if I can roll with a PG-13 blog. 

This post is something Cliff Huxtable would probably do……….

It almost went down.......

What’s up world?  How is everyone doing?  Well, I’m back with another installment and of course I’m about to go in.  Ready?

I have to share this with y’all.  Last week I was being a nosey father as I am learning that it is necessary to do so.  What do I come across…..a letter between her and her friend.  Oh damn.  As I read the letter, a big smile crept across my face as I knew it was about to go down.  I was going to whoop some a** like an Olympic champion.  Man, I was going to skin that poor child.  I couldn’t wait!  So, I call her in the room to go over the letter and to analyze the handwriting to see who was writing what.  We’re in there like First 48.  Godsfavoriteshoes was my assistant detective and were about to crack the case.  Well she swore all of the nasty stuff allegedly was written by her friend. I am no handwriting analyst and forensics was closed so I had to take her at her word.  Well, the case made it back to school and come to find out, lil mama was telling the truth.  It was her friend that was going to kiss Freddie and rub on him to make him like her back.  (I know, right!) I did find out that lil mama likes Alex and she knows what LMFAO means.  I’m still pissed because she went to “watch” this little girl kiss and feel on Freddie but I did go from Defcon 4 back to somewhere around 2.  It was about to go DOWN!  She has no idea how much Big Brother (me) is on that a** now.  Man…..

Well, another day, week, month goes by and this girl is up to more dumb stuff.  I just don’t get how her brain works.  I know that she’s only 11 but damn!  You just have to do dumb stuff all the time?  Really? Maybe it’s not even dumb at this point, at least not all of it.  Some of the stuff that is going on is becoming disrespectful and blatant.  I’m really not feeling that.  Case in point: Godsfavoriteshoes tells her to throw the apple core away downstairs when she’s finished eating the apple.  What does she do?  She wraps the apple up in a couple paper towels and tries to stuff it at the bottom of the waste basket in the restroom.  Soooooo…..you’re just going to do what you want to do?  That’s how we’re rolling now?  Hmmmmm……hell naw!  “Get yo a** up and get that crap out of the trash and take it downstairs before I snatch a plug out of yo damn head!”  She really tried to play us y’all. 

It gets better.  How many of you feed your furniture on the regular?  Seriously, do you ever feel like your love seat is looking a little hungry and needs some sustenance?  Do you ever just want to offer the coffee table a biscuit or something?  Lil mama does.  Searching the house for a phone that I don’t use pisses me off enough but what do I see when I look in the cushions of the couch?  Hmmmmm, let me see….

1.       An empty bag of Lays Potato Chips

2.       A half-eaten bag of Lays Potato Chips in a Zip-Lock bag

3.       A half-eaten Strawberry Yogurt Nutri-grain Bar

4.       An empty Jell-O Cup

5.       Three (3) popsicle sticks and wrappers

6.       Seven (7) Reece’s Peanut Butter wrappers

7.       Some Cheerio’s

8.       A half-eaten hot dog and a rubber (I’m just joshing about the last 2!)

So, I guess my couch was hungry or high because it had the munchies like a mutha f***a!  I lost it on that little girl.  Two things happened here, either she was too damn lazy to get up and walk TEN steps into the kitchen to throw stuff away or she’s hiding crap that she sneaks.  I swear that I don’t deprive or starve her y’all, we just have to watch what we eat.  Lil mama isn’t all that little and I’m just doing my best to keep her weight down. Either way, it is nasty as hell!  So, you just sit yo nasty a** up and watch TV and stuff food into the couch?  Where the do that at?  Apparently at MY DAMN HOUSE! I was at a loss for words because I couldn’t believe how nasty that was.  Fool, we don’t live at Pee Wee’s Playhouse! Just plain damn nasty……

I’m not Pee Wee, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi and damn sure not Cliff Huxtable!

I don’t want to ramble and make this post too long so it’ll be to be continued……

Sugar and Spice and Everything....Nasty?

What’s going on blog world?  Glad to be back in the fold and giving you a glimpse into my parenting life.  Man, it’s a trip as I am sure some of you can agree with.

Okay y’all, I need some help with this one.  This is a subject that is a trip and there isn’t really an easy answer, fix, or whatever it is you want to call it.  The last time I checked, I had a daughter, a girl, full of sugar and spice and everything nice.  That’s what it is supposed to be right?

Well, why is it that my daughter is just plain nasty as hell!  I don’t mean kind of nasty or a little nasty but nasty as hell.  I have to look at her from time to time and shake my damn head.  Yep, it’s that bad! 

Please keep in mind that we have had countless conversations about hygiene and cleanliness.  We've talked about taking care of little girl's "areas".  We've discussed the fact that because she's a little bigger than other girls she'll have to work a little harder and do more.  Does she listen, hell naw!  Just nasty!  I'm trying y'all, I promise.

Hmmmm…..let’s see.  This little girl came home from her Granny’s last Sunday AND DIDN’T BRUSH HER DAMN TEETH UNTIL THURSDAY!  Where they do that at?  She came home and I peeped on Monday that there wasn’t a toothbrush in the holder but I didn’t say anything.  Looked Tuesday, saw the same thing. Wednesday and then Thursday and I just couldn’t do it anymore.  Sooooooo, you just want to walk around for a week with yuck mouth?  Who does that? A week!  To add more fuel to the fire, she wasn’t going to say anything about it!  Who knows how long she would’ve walked around with doo doo tooth!  Man, get of my damn phone with that!

Grossed out yet, wait!  What woman,  girl, lady, etc. takes a 4 minute and 13 second bath/shower?  Unless you  are just trying to tighten it up and take a ho-bath, there is no damn reason for a young woman to take a 4 minute and 13 second shower. (yes, I timed it) Ninja please!

True story y’all.  When my daughter was 2 or 3 years old I used to call her Tuna.  Don’t really know why or how it came about but she was my little Tuna. (I even have a regrettable tattoo of Charlie the Tuna on my chest, don’t judge me) Women rang down from the mountain tops not to call her Tuna.  I was told that you can’t call a girl tuna for obvious reasons. I agreed.  Well…….now the damn name fits!  I hate doing it but as a father I have to whenever it happens.  It’s only right.  I have to tell my daughter “you’re a** is fresh and you need to go and take care of that!”  (I don’t do it in front of people or embarrass her and no, it isn’t an everyday thing.  However….) When I stink, I smell myself and  I want to go and fix the problem.  This fool acts oblivious to it and looks at me stupid like something is wrong with me and my nose.  Really?  That’s what 4 minute baths do for you……

Feet, a**, breath, under arms, head, every damn thing stinks man!  Oh, did I forget to mention, her room looks like a 3^rd world country and smells like sweaty alligator back!  I have to go in there once a week and throw stuff away, move stuff around, tear stuff up, etc. and somehow it always ends up junky again.  WTH?  I know hell well it’s not me.  I have a small case of OCD and clutter, dirt, mess makes my skin crawl.  I’m notorious for just throwing stuff away.  Put it up or lose it!  I have to shut her door and act like that part of the house doesn’t exist.  Man, she gets on my damn nerves!

If I had a little boy y’all, I might not even trip.  I remember being that little dude.  I remember not wanting to bathe or clean up.  In a roundabout way, it’s expected from boys.  We’re just nasty.  Hell, some of us are nasty a** grown men. 

Look, at 11 years old I shouldn’t have to remind you to put on powder, deodorant, or brush your teeth. I shouldn’t have to tell you to take a bath AFTER YOU’VE BEEN OUTSIDE PLAYING SOFTBALL FOR THE PAST HOUR!  I shouldn’t have to remind you to take your Claritin.  Hell, I don’t want to hear you snorting, sneezing, clearing your throat and sniffing for the 30 minutes we drive to school.  Sound like a grizzly bear!  Ride in the damn trunk!

I’m done.  I don’t know, maybe hygiene will evolve over time.  Maybe she’ll just grow up and be nasty as hell.  Maybe she'll see the light and become Molly damn Maid.  Maybe I’ll make her musty a** sleep outside, who knows!

In this instance, I don’t want to be like Cliff Huxtable, Theo’s room was atrocious but lil mama’s ain’t too far off.  Just sayin…..

Really? I'm Just Sayin.....

What’s up blog world?  I know it’s been a while but so much has been going on that I haven’t had time to holla at y’all.  Well, I guess I need to make time.  Trust me, it isn’t from a lack of material.  There’s PLENTY of that to be had!

Today’s message is a PSA (Public Service Announcement)…..you can’t have the baby without the baby mama!  It isn’t much of an announcement but more of a declaration.  I’ve preached and preached about this broad over and over but it’s a subject that’ll never get old.  My baby mama ain’t *ish!  Am I a saint, of course not but I take care of mine.  Always have, always will.

Today I’m brewing over the fact that I can’t get any help from this woman.  NONE!  For the record, I don’t need it but it’s the damn principle.  All I ask of this woman is $50 per month and I can’t get that.  Not per week or every other week, PER MONTH!  Yep, you read it right, $50 damn dollars.  Lil mama will by pads, smell goods, and hair products and she’ll be broke but it’s something.  All I’m complaining about is effort, show some good faith. Oh, here’s the kicker y’all, she’s pregnant again!  Really? (Hell naw it ain’t mine!)

I could go on and on about this broad but it won’t change.  To date, she owes me $673.45.  Right now, all I want is $50!  When I was paying child support and her money wasn’t on time, she would be calling me at my job asking me to call payroll to see what was up.  I can’t get $50 damn dollars.  Before you ask and if you’re wondering, HELL YEAH I would have her a** thrown in jail for being behind on child support!  It ain’t fair and it ain’t right.  She gets her hair braided every 2 to 3 weeks.  She eats good.  She has furnished her NEW apartment.  She bought her son an X Box for his birthday but I can’t get $50. Ninja please!  I can’t say it enough, $50.00!!!!!!!!!

I had to buy all of her school supplies, school shoes, uniforms, etc and this heffa can’t give me $50 to help with that.  She could’ve bought school supplies and I would’ve been happy.  That wasn’t even $50.00! Nothing from her at all.  Her son, yeah, he ain’t mine but I went out of my way to buy him something for his birthday, I always do.  I don’t do the kids like that. Again, he ain’t even mine but you won’t do for yours?  Really?  Notice, I didn’t say CAN’T, I said WON’T!

Lil mama doesn’t go without and I know that’s why this broad doesn’t do anything; she knows that I will.  It’s just a little frustrating y’all, that’s all.  I didn’t, wouldn’t, and couldn’t do her like that when the shoe was on the other foot, that’s my daughter.  This broad though, I don’t get it, I don’t get it at all.

$50.00 fool!  $50.00 damn dollars! Per month!  You hit me up for $600 per month when I was paying but I can’t get $50? I can’t even get an IOU or a post dated check, nothing!  You just flat out say “Ninja, I ain’t paying you *ish”!  Man……

If they ever, ever, ever, ever, ever ask me about pressing charges or whatever it is they do for child support evaders, she better get used to wearing orange. (I’m just sayin)

And before you say, “what about your daughter, you can’t do that to her”, ninja please!  We’ll bring Hand Sanitizer and Handy Wipes to wipe the plexi-glass and nasty phones in the visitation booths!

Cliff Huxtable married his baby mama so this scenario doesn’t even apply…….

I Ain't Ready.....

It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you……

Hello Blog world, how are you? Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written but I’ve had a lot going on.
New job, moved, got married, etc. Haven’t really had much time to write but I’m climbing back on the saddle.

Seeing as though I’m not a single father anymore, it may require me to switch up my blog a little. Don’t get it twisted, I’m still the same ol’ father that you’ve been reading about. The difference now is, I have some reinforcements. Godsfavoriteshoes will put one up her A** if she gets out of line and I’m not around. I may have to get my bail money ready when she goes upside lil’ mama’s head. I’m cool with  that though.

There will be some of you that will read this and say “she ain’t her mama, how dare she do that?” Well, I’ll tell you how. I was raised in a house with a step father and let’s just say, he didn’t play that. The same rules apply in my house. It’s about respect. If lil’ mama can’t fall in line and respect the rules of the house, she can get molly whopped by four fists instead of two!  Things will be even more interesting seeing as the two of them will be spending more and more time together. See, lil’ mama is starting middle school next year and the wife teaches at the high school next door. So, they will ride to and from school with one another. Isn’t that a riot! I’m sure there will be plenty of silent rides. I wish I could be a damn fly on the wall for all of that tension! HA!

Lil mama ain’t gonna be able to get away with *ish! Every time she thinks it’s all good or she wants
to do something fly, wifey is going to be at the school in her behind. Not only that, she taught at the
middle school last year so she has plenty of eyes and ears in the building. I can’t wait to get a f**ked up report about her doing something dumb. It’s going down! Y’all know how I do it. (SMILE) Little does she know, step-mom enrolled her in a pre-AP science course. So, she is going to actually have to study. Isn’t that grand!

Outside of my sinister thoughts regarding her “Big Brother is Watching” moments that she will encounter, I am trippin’ about her going to 6th grade. I’m nervous, scared, and a little excited at the same time. Look, I know how I was when I got to middle school and boy have times changed. BOYS! Man……that’s all I can say. Lil mama isn’t short on curves, I’ll say that. BOYS! Damnit! BOYS! Hopefully I won’t have to slap the *ish out of her and someone’s son. I have to stop. I ain’t ready, I’m really not. I talk all this *ish but I’m not ready for that yet. If she knows like I know, she ain’t either! Damn…..

Well, there’s nothing to do but get ready, all three of us. It’ll be interesting. I will let you guys know who stabs who first. I’m a hard sleeper but my wife isn’t. Maybe I need to learn to sleep with one eye open. I won’t get her in her sleep though, I’ll prison yard shank her the minute I get a bad report. Just
sayin…..BOYS!














Cliff was a little too cool with Bud when Rudy got to that age….Hell Naw, I ain’t Cliff Huxtable!

Too Hot to Handle.....

                                                                 

Summer is upon us and that means that the heat is here!  Those of you who read this blog that live in Houston know what the word “heat” means.  Man, it’s hot as hell outside!  It’s get in the car and burn yourself on the seats hot.  It’s melt your CD’s in the car hot.  It’s “if your  A/C doesn’t work and you still drive placed during the day, you are a damn fool” hot!  Summer heat in Houston makes you not want to do anything.  What’s messed up about that is, it only gets worse!  This is just mid June.  When August comes around, people literally die.  Every year, 10 or so elderly people die in their homes because of the heat.  I better get prayed up because if hell is worse than this, I need to cancel that reservation now!

With all that said, I sent lil mama to softball camp this week.  I signed her up a couple months back with the idea that it will help get her skills up and make her a better player.  What happens after the first day?  “Daddy, it’s too hot to do this every day”.  Really?  You are really going to call me with this nonsense.  Does she know that I will snatch a plug out of her a** for that?  Too hot?  Fool, you only have to go to this camp for 4 days!  You can’t tough it out for four days?  What kind of kid are you?  Then I stepped outside…..I felt her pain.  I started sweating as soon as I touched the door.  I hadn’t even walked out yet. 

So, then I had to call lil mama back and tell her if she wanted to quit, I would understand.  I was fighting with that decision because you don’t just up and quit *ish.  Especially stuff I paid my damn money for! Just like the elderly, every year several kids die or pass out from heat exhaustion so I get it.  It is hot as hell outside.  But……I paid $250 for you to go to this damn camp for 4 days!  It’s from 9-4, that’s only 7 damn hours! You mean to tell me that you can’t make it happen for four days.  There’s no way in hell I would’ve been able to quit.  My mama would’ve looked at me stupid and told me the only way that I could quit is if I died out there!  I don’t believe in quitting so of course I’m in a bind.

I’m teetering on the side of child abuse by making her go out there in extreme conditions but at the same time, I don’t want my lil mama to hurt herself in any way.  Do you know what I could be doing with that damn $250?!

So, an hour or so later she calls back and tells me that she is going to go the next day.  Come to find out, she wore jogging pants out there with some thick tube socks and a T-Shirt.  Fool, you are going spontaneously combust in all that!  WTH!  So, she tells me that she is going to wear shorts and a tank top the next day.  Well, she calls me the next day to tell me that she had fun and really liked it.  She did however, tell them at one point that she needed to sit down because it was too damn hot.  Good job, Shaggydoo.  Good job. 

That really made me proud.  I was proud of the fact that she didn’t give up and she was going to tough it out.  She’s learning some new things and she’s enjoying herself.  I had a proud dad moment.  Because if she would’ve decided to quit I might’ve had a moment and slapped my $250 up out her a** on GP!  Going around wasting money, you’s a damn fool! 

I don’t remember it ever being hot in Huxtable land so I don’t really know what Cliff would do.  He always had on those damn sweaters……