"The U"

I know some of you saw the title of this post and immediately thought of the Miami Hurricanes.  Some of you had thoughts of Michael Irvin, Warren Sapp, or even The Rock.  Well my friends, I am not even almost talking about that famous Florida university.  However, I am talking about school.

As is my hope, all of you who read this attended some version of elementary or middle school during your time on earth.  During your time there, you were graded on conduct as well as your grades.  Your grades ranged from A to F.  “A” being the best and “F” being the worst.  Conduct was based on a scale of E to U.  “E” being the best and “U” being the absolute worst.  Basically, a U was like the equivalent of having a 50 for the semester.  It means you went out of your way to be a complete a**hole and disruption to the class.  Well, all of that said will now bring me to my point….

How in the hell does a 12 year old child get a U?  I’m just saying.  So, I check lil mama’s grades periodically and this fool has a U.  Hell, she got a U on her damn report card.  Really?  I’m still trying to figure out what the hell she had to have been doing to get a U.  There are more than a few educators in my life and ALL of them acknowledge that getting a U is almost impossible.  It means that you are in class slapping kids, watching porn, cooking dope, and making moonshine.  I mean seriously, you have to be doing some ratchet things to get a damn U.

Speaking of ratchet, why in the hell does my kid insist on trying to be ratchet?  Does she have some ratchet ways and or tendencies, of course.  Does she see ratchet behavior from time to time, you bet she does.  However, you’re a spoiled brat who would be scared of your own shadow in a well lit room, full of people, with a gun in hand and a police officer by your side.  Ma’am, sit yo wanna be hood a** down somewhere and learn something!  This little girl has me HOT!  On top of the fact that you at school doing God knows what, the U that you have managed to get has a direct correlation to the poor grades you’re receiving.  “Keep yo mind in them books and off them  gals” (in my Robin Harris from House Party voice) Even though I’m pretty damn sure here quick, not fast, a** is thinking about a damn boy that probably can’t even read! 

Okay, I digress y’all.  I went off the radar with my blogging a while back because things happened and lil mama doesn’t live with me anymore.  I won’t go into that but I would split her head down to the white meat if she was still living with me and acting a fool like that.  (Note: when she lived with me, her grades and conduct were up to par….just saying) I tolerate a lot of things but being a dummy is something I can’t deal with. 

I know my kid isn’t dumb because of some of extravagant lies she used to tell. (read some of my previous posts and you’ll get it) It’s hard for me to impose my will or be strict from a distance but from what I was told, everything was cool.  Fine.  I will fall back and pray that my child doesn’t end up a meth dealer, a female pimp, a circus performer, a crash dummy, or a librarian. (not sure why I added that but librarians are creepy….just sayin) Notice I didn’t say stripper.  Strippers make good money and I may need to hit her up for a loan.  You never know.

I’m sure Cliff would be up at the school having a conference with Mrs. Westlake, I ain’t Cliff Huxtable.

Oops I've done it again.....

It’s been a REALLY long time since I posted anything as things in the parenting world changed for me.  At the time, I was just going to shut it all down but low and behold, I’m about to start it all over again.  Yep, got another one on the way.  And you know what’s even better, I ordered up another lil’ mama.  For those of you who read my previous posts know about my many difficult, and sometimes fun, adventures I had with my oldest daughter.  Everything from lying, to sneaking, to just being plain damn nasty.  If not, please peruse the site and enjoy.

Well, it’s been 13 years since I’ve had to be the caregiver for someone who can do absolutely nothing but lay in one spot and poop and sleep all day.  So, I am pretty sure I am out of practice.  Back when I was a wee lad, I rather enjoyed getting up in the middle of the night and fixing bottles, and feeding, and changing diapers, the whole nine.  Well, that was back when I was living ghetto fabulous, didn’t work, didn’t want to, and wasn’t going to.  I didn’t have *ish else to do so why not be a good dad, right?

Now that I am a little wiser, not much, but a little, and more in tune with the rest of the world, I am about to embark on the journey again.  However, this time, I’m going to be mad as hell when I have to get at 2 in the morning for a hollering ass kid.  I’m going to be mad as hell when I have to walk around in circles to get the kid to go back to sleep.  I am going to be furious when the baby has a diaper rash, can’t sleep, is hungry, and wants to be held; especially when I worked all day and went to school for another 4 hours.  Hell naw! Baby is going to be a hollering ass!

With that said, I do have a sidekick in this baby saving adventure. Godsfavoriteshoes is my road dawg and little does she know, she’ll be doing most of the heavy lifting.  Hell, lil mama will be here in the summer, she doesn’t work in the summer, so….what do y’all think is going to happen?  I’m just saying. (I’m sure she is going to read this and chop me in half but…….)

As much as I am complaining, I am truly happy.  It has been a long time coming but this time was meant as I wasn’t ready for anything like this in the past.  Hell, I wasn’t ready at 21 so all the years leading up to this, I kinda got my mind right.  Me and the Mrs. are ready to turn this baby into something special.  I do know she better have some type of talent, athletic ability, smarts, something because I don’t plan to work forever.  Yep, I am going to exploit all of her talents for the greater good of the household.  Think Beyonce’s dad or the Williams sisters’ dad.  Yeah, something like that.  Just sayin…..

Anyway, I will be posting regularly as I have the itch again and new material.  My other lil mama, the one the majority of this blog is about, she’s still around.  Things have changed but she’s still my girl so y’all don’t put out a missing persons reports on her. 

Cliff didn’t have any kids as we got to know the family.  He did however, deliver plenty of them.  Not sure if I would’ve trusted him delivering mine.  Just sayin…..

Father's Day is Dead.....

Father’s Day came and went yesterday without so much as a whimper.  I’ve been a father for the past 12 years and this one might be the most memorable.  The first one will always be the best as it is the beginning of what is to be many more Father’s Days to come. However, yesterday was one that will rest on the mantle next to the first as this may have been the worst.

Father’s Day is supposed to be a day when all fathers rejoice in what fatherhood is.  It is a time when we are to reflect on the life that we have created and take a moment to bask in the goodness that we have molded as responsible parents.  Real fathers relish this day.  Maybe I should say Daddies relish this day as those of us who are called Daddy have a bond with our children that is unlike any other.

I say all of that to say that yesterday, my bond was damaged.  I was not one of the lucky ones who spent time with his child.  We did not go to church together.  I did not get a handmade card or a pair of socks and an ugly tie.  I did not get breakfast in bed or lunch.  I didn’t even get so much as much as a phone call.  I tried hard all day to hold back the emotion that was brewing in me and I think I pulled it off.  I was asked several times “has she called”, and I could only muster a “no” under the false pretense of not caring or acting as though it didn’t matter.  Truth is, it did. It did matter.

Those of you that have read my blog posts in the past may say that I deserved it based on some of my comments.  However, I’m not as hard as I may seem.  I’m more bark than bite. I love my daughter to death and I want nothing but the best for her.  Some of the things that she does defies reason and I have to do triple takes sometimes but I do understand that she is a kid and that’s what kids do.  I didn’t deserve what happened to me yesterday.  Nothing I’ve ever done warranted that.

There have been several incidents that have happened over the course of the past few months that have put a serious strain on our relationship.  Without going into too much detail, other parties have infiltrated what we had and severed the bond that I have spent the last 2 plus years building.  Now, I don’t know where we go. 

I write this post with a heavy heart as Father’s Day died for me yesterday.  It was the first Father’s Day in 12 years that I have been without my lil mama and I’m not even sure it will be the last.  I don’t know where to go from here but I’ll figure it out.  With Godsfavoriteshoes on my team we’ll get through it. 

I have nothing but love, respect, and admiration for all of the good fathers out there who handle their business.  Keep up the good work and keep up the good fight.  I thought I was right there with you on the battle lines keeping the enemy at bay, I guess at some point I failed. Man down…..

No real father deserves this.

What would Cliff Huxtable do?

Just Saying What Some Of Us Want To

PSA for parents…….

Parents out there, I want to share something with you.  You should actually already know it but if you don’t, I’m going to help you figure it out. 

Your kid isn’t that awesome!

There, I said it.  Take a few moments to let it sink in so you can fully understand what it is I’m saying.  Again, your kid isn’t that awesome.  I say that to let you know that the rest of the world doesn’t want to come watch your child at any of his/her events.  We don’t want to come hear your 5 year old kid sing at church.  We don’t want to come watch 6 year old Anthony play basketball.  We’re tired of watching the twins play soccer.  People, it isn’t fun.  Let’s break it down:

1.       Just because your kid is singing at church doesn’t automatically make them a song bird.  Jesus knows they can’t sing, you should accept it too.

2.       Little kids can’t play basketball.  It’s no fun to watch.  I don’t want to see a bunch of kids running with the ball, crying, and stealing it from their own teammates.  It is no damn fun to watch a basketball game for 30 minutes and the final score is 10 to 6.  That *ish IS NOT FUN!

3.       Just like basketball, watching little kids play soccer is painful.  Put a bullet in the back of my head next damn time.  All the kids do is huddle around the damn ball and all try to kick it at the same time and someone always gets hurt

Parents, it’s alright to admit that your child doesn’t have any talent.  It doesn’t mean that they never will, it just means that they suck right now.  If you invite me to your kid’s basketball game when he’s in 9^th grade, I’ll probably show up.  But, please, don’t invite me to see lil’ man play before he can even tie his damn shoes. (Nothing worse than the coach calling time out to tie shoes, that is some bulls**t)

Some have called me a mean parent but I just try and keep it real with mine.  Case in point, my lil mama has expressed some interest in singing and I try to be open to her endeavors.  However, that little girl can’t sing.  I mean, she isn’t like a dying cat bad but she isn’t any good either.  I try and support her in what she does but my love can only go so damn far.  I tell her things like, “you can carry a note” but I would be wrong to tell her she was awesome, right?  I can’t even do her like that. She told me that she was going to sing a solo at school in the program and I was like “oh…….”.  I’m just sayin.

Athletics.  Well, if you’ve followed my blog then you know that my kid isn’t the second coming of Marion Jones.  She’s more along the lines of Marion Berry, I’m just sayin’.  I am proud of the small things she did while playing softball but I was never blinded by the idea that she was a stellar athlete.  I was happy when she hit the ball or made a good throw.  Funny thing is, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHEN YOU PLAY SOFTBALL!  So, I’m getting all excited for routine stuff.  Parents looking at me because I’m happy she put her glove on the right way. Geez……

I say all of that to reiterate to you guys, your kid isn’t special.  Stop it.  Maybe one day he/she will grow up to be the next LeBron James or Candice Parker, but now, they SUCK!  Just accept it.  Help them excel in school.  But, if your kid is not athletic, can’t sing/dance, and is dumb as a rock, I don’t know what to tell you. 

Hey, Cliff told Theo some of these same things so I guess I am doing what Cliff Huxtable would do.

Is it Really That Serious?

I know that I might ruffle a few feathers with this post but I feel the need to get this off of my chest. School is out and we just finished the graduation season. Parties, gifts, tears, and the like but I just don’t get all of the hoopla. Maybe I am just being an a**hole but I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s just me but AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL!?

If it all boils down to me being an a**hole about the situation I can deal with that but I didn’t know graduating high school was a grandiose accomplishment. Yes, I am aware of the fact that you can drop out and everything in between but for the most part, you have to go to school. Unless you had the most f**ked up parents on the planet, they made you go and expected you to finish, right? I’m just confused; I don’t understand what the big deal is. Don’t get me wrong, there are certain circumstances that warrant all of the hooping and hollering as you step across the stage. Some kids come from troubled homes, group homes, broken homes, poverty, etc. I get that. If you made it through with all of those obstacles, you deserve someone yelling your name and blowing an air horn. There were two special needs students at my brother’s graduation that got standing ovations and I totally get that. That was a MAJOR accomplishment. But…….if you drove yourself to the damn graduation in a brand new car, come on!

Seriously, kids can’t even fail now days so what is all the fuss about? Kids are happy to get 70’s and the teachers are more than happy to give it to them. The emphasis is on the state exams and not curriculum. The kids know this and take advantage of it. If I was a student, I wouldn’t do *ish either. The minute I thought I was about to fail, just go to the counselor, plead my case and my teacher will modify my work/grades to help me pass. Know the game and play it well and you can coast through school now.

Maybe it’s the punka** parents that cause all of this. I was scared of not graduating so I had to make it happen. I didn’t get a new car, new shoes, clothes or anything like that in school. I had a damn job. I didn’t get rewarded for making D’s! “Oh baby, at least you passed”. Man, F**k that! My mama hit me across the head for *ish like that. (I guess that’s why I always lied about getting my report card) My mom expected me to graduate and go to college. (I guess that’s why she was mad the whole 2 years I sat around the house and did nothing) Not finishing high school was not an option.

Look, I’m just saying that it doesn’t make any damn sense to me. Parents reward mediocrity and the kids accept it. Parents are happy that little Eric graduated with all D's and 1.5 GPA. At least he made it, right. Okay, okay, okay, some kids are just plain damn dumb! If your kid is one of those kids, be happy. But, if you just had a child that skated by, don't be happy for their lazy a** bareley making it. The grad who did it with honors, scholarships, awards, deserves some face time because they put in the work. Your lazy a** child doesn't deserve *ish for barley completing a job that they were SUPPOSED to finish!

The stigma is that finishing high school makes you grown. NO IT DOESN’T! You aren’t grown until you hit the real world, leave mama, pay some damn bills, bump your head a couple times…..let go of her titty! That’s grown! Diploma and 18 doesn’t make you grown and I wish they would stop with that *ish! Getting a diploma just means you finished something that you were supposed to finish and now it’s time to move one. Going to college is a privilege and completing your degree is an accomplishment. No one made you wake up in the morning and go to class. No one made you enroll. No one make you cram and pay attention. YOU did that on your own. That deserves recognition. Kudos to you college grad!

Parents, be happy for your children when they step across the stage and accept that highschool diploma but DAMN, little Johnny didn’t just win the Nobel Peace Prize. He completed high school; he was supposed to do that…..

Would Heathcliff do all that?

Feels like rain.....

As a person, as a parent, there is nothing worse than being lied to.  It’s magnified even more when it’s your own child who’s doing the lying.  And to add insult to injury, it pisses me off even more when my 11 year old child tries to pull a fast one on me.  There’s a mantra in my house, “Don’t try to out think me, you can’t! “  However, it never fails as girl wonder always tries to do it……

So, advances in technology have made it harder and harder for kids to get away with things at school like they used to.  Back when I was in middle school, if something happened, they would call home, work, or wherever to get in touch with your parents.  There were SO many ways around that and I’m sure many of you will know what I’m talking about.  My mama didn’t know I had an “F” until grades came out.  She didn’t know I skipped school because I would forge all of my tardy/absent slips. The list goes on.  Well, lil mama won’t get it through her double-wide head that EVERYTHING she does at school I find out about.  When she’s tardy, I get an email.  When she gets a grade less than 75, I get an email.  If she gets bit by a one-legged, midget monkey, I get an email.   Things are set to where I get an automated email or phone call if she takes a dump and it don’t smell right!  She KNOWS this but still continues to bump her damn head against the wall.

Alright, so let me paint the picture.  In addition to getting email alerts about grades, I can log on and check daily grades, tests, homework, etc.  Well, I’m perusing her grades and I come across a ZERO.  I can halfway deal with a poor score but a “0” just means yo a** didn’t do the work.  I don’t like that.  Fast forward…….I ask about the zero and she says “Daddy, I turned it in but she forgot to put the grade in.”  Really, dawg?  Really?......What I heard was, “Daddy, I think you’re dumb as hell and I’m going to tell you this lame story in hopes that you believe it.”   Well, I tell her to just have the teacher correct the grade and email me.  Cool, right?   Hell naw!  The next day, she still has a zero and I ask about it.  She proceeds to pull out a worksheet and says, “See Daddy, I did it, she just didn’t put the grade in the book.”  Okay Grasshopper, “Why is there no date and or grade on the paper? Why isn’t this the same damn assignment that is marked as zero online?”  The assignment was for Verbs and this sheet says NOUNS!……..It is Daddy, I don’t know why she put the wrong assignment in the computer.  Okay Grasshopper…..  So, I give her another chance to tell the truth and I tell her again, “if this is the story you’re sticking with, don’t come home with a ZERO.”  Yep, she rolled with it and got out of the car.

…..I pick her up later and she proceeds to show me a completely different assignment that has a checkmark on it.  Yes, different than what was assigned AND different than the fake a** worksheet she previously showed me.  To add insult to injury, at the bottom it clearly says “Too Late, No Credit”.  Again, why is she trying to out think me?  At no point did she say, damn, I showed this dude something TOTALLY different yesterday but I’ll give him this one in hopes he’s just that damn dumb and won’t trip or man, I told this dude I turned it in 2 WEEKS ago but really I tried to turn in in today.  Nope!  So…..she’s just going to piss on my head and call it rain?  Really?

Cut scene………….

There is a lot more to this story but it would take too much time and effort to type.  I wasn’t that pissed about the zero, I would have let it ride, to a degree.  What pissed me off is the idea that you think your father is that dumb that you can show him an apple and call it an orange the next day.  Really?  What pissed me off is I gave her numerous chances to tell the truth and she wouldn’t.  I told her where she was lying, how she was lying, and she still stuck to it.  I gave her the key to the door but this fool still tried to climb out the window.  Really?  Done.

At the end of the evening, I DEFINATELY wasn't Cliff Huxtable.....

Ice Cream Bandit!

What’s going on Blog world?  I hope all is well.  We haven’t chatted in a while and I apologize.  However, I can’t keep you guys out of the loop too long, right?  Well, wanna hear it, here it go…….

Let me start this story off by letting you know that it ain’t about ice cream.  Ice cream plays a big role in the story but it ain’t about that.  The moral of this story is that my daughter is a cold-blooded liar.  I don’t mean a little white lie type of liar; she’s a Richard Nixon, Watergate liar!  She’s off the chain with it!  To make matters worse, she isn’t any damn good at it!

Monday night, GFS comes home with a couple ice cream sandwiches to share with the fam.  Notice, I said a couple.  Not a box of them, not 7 or 8, a couple, meaning 2!  She tells lil mama that one of them is for her and she would take the other. (Note: there are 3 people that live in the house but she only bought 2, I’m just sayin…….)  So after dinner, we go upstairs and do whatever it is we do and left lil mama downstairs to wash the dishes.  I’m pretty sure you know where this is going…..

GFS goes downstairs to get her ice cream sandwich and of course…..it’s gone.  Naturally, we consider all options.  Maybe she dropped it outside by mistake, maybe she paid for 2 and only got 1, maybe the ice cream goblin snuck in the house around 10 pm and ate it.  Well, what do we find, 2 ice cream wrappers in the garbage.  Hmmmmmmm…..maybe the goblin was polite and threw away his rubbish. (Picked that word up in the UK, I like it)  B-B-B wait it gets worse….one of the wrappers was on top of the trash while the other was at the bottom.  Dun, Dun, Dun……..it’s on!  No ice cream goblins I know would do a thing like that! 

Moving on….

Well, we wake lil mama up and ask “why did you eat both ice cream sandwiches”?  What does she say, “I didn’t, and I don’t know what y’all are talking about”.  Woooord? (In my Jill Scott voice) We present the forensic evidence, fingerprints, blood spatter, shell casings, and of course the wrappers and she still says, “I didn’t eat it”. I’m looking at her like “you can’t be serious right now” but she was looking at me with tears in her eyes denying it. 

Scene 2: we wake up the next day and I ask again, “you sure it wasn’t you that took the ice cream”?  It wasn’t me daddy…..Notice, we are in day 2 of this lie right now but I say “okay”. (I’m giving this fool a chance to confess, make it right…..nope)

Well, we’ll fast forward to that night and at this point GFS is fed up and she commences with operation “Whoop Ass”.  I hear all kinds of yelling and thumping but I don’t say a word. (I was having a Top Chef moment anyway and didn’t want to break away from my gorgeous meal) Twenty minutes later, lil mama comes down and FINALLY admits that she ate both sandwiches.  Now, it’s time for the good part….

So, I look at this fool and couldn’t help but laugh.  I had to tell her how dumb it was to do what she did.  Not dumb in the sense that it wasn’t honest but dumb in the sense that it was just some dumb ass *ish! How in the hell you gonna steal 2 items when there are ONLY 2 ITEMS?  What kind of dumb ass *ish is that!  If there were 7 or so, maybe you can explain away one being missing.  YOU TOOK ALL OF THEM GENIUS!  In addition, you have no alibi or anyone else to take the blame.  NO ONE ELSE could have done it!  I’m looking at this fool like, really?  So, you just gonna lie all the way to the electric chair and hope that if you admit what you did your life will be saved?  Man, get off my phone with that *ish!  Oh, forgot to mention that when I asked her why she did it she replied, “I didn’t think I was gonna get caught”.   Wooooord? (In my Jill Scott voice again) Fool, ain’t no one else to catch!  You’re the only suspect!  Damnit boy!

Please don’t read this and think it’s about some damn ice cream sandwiches.  Hell, I’m sure they were only 2 for $1. Had she just said that she ate both of them I would’ve probably talked some *ish about her being greedy and told her to get out of my damn face.  I’m pissed that she rode that lie like she believed it in her soul; damn near cried about it. That fool had me wondering whether or not I ate it and forgot.  Had me believing in ice cream goblins and *ish!  Damn…..this girl swore up and down it wasn’t her and was going to stick with it.  Let me say this again, there were NO OTHER suspects but her!  How in the hell you think you can get away with some dumb ass *ish like that?  Done…….

What in the hell would Cliff Huxtable do?